Today has been a crazy and freakishly emotionally topsy-turvy day. In all honesty, I hated yesterday, and today. But I kinda hated yesterday even more than today.
I keep dwelling in my paranoid and selfish mind, and then I assume.
And that's where I make mistakes.
I was talking to a friend, and I said some things that I regret. Not awful things, by any means, but stupid things. I did stupid things. I did something I haven't done for six months,
and I regret it so much.
Don't worry, guys, it wasn't an awful sin or anything like that, it's just something self-damaging and rather personal. I'd just rather not say it myself, but you guys can probably figure it out.
But anyways, I keep assuming my best friend is trying to avoid me. And that leads to so many mistakes. I think I'm a freak, like I'm a monster, like as though everyone DOES want to avoid me. I end up feeling destroyed and hopeless. I feel weak.
You see, I felt like I was going to lose a friend.
And I didn't want that. That kind of thing is what's in my nightmares.
So I did what any stupid brain like mine would do.
I freaked out. Stayed up until 5 in the morning crying my heart out. Feeling alone, like no one cared. I made mistakes. And being at my house doesn't help.
Really, being at my house is like a prison for me. I'm not alone, but it's so easy to be lonely.
See, I know there are people who offer to help, but I get scared at those times I feel like that. I feel alone, and I feel like a burden.
I need to find my own strength. I find myself relying on my friends too much. I need to be able to get along by myself . . .
But it's so hard.
Why does he have to be gone for two weeks?
Living without best friends is so hard.
And tears hurt.
I'm tired of them.
I need to start over.
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